


my dream is very small, it's just to sit with you

by nothingcreative



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Feeling lonely, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Loneliness, Multi, Other, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, this is self indulgent but hey uhh who cares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 16:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingcreative/pseuds/nothingcreative
Summary: Kihyun never thinks of himself as the odd-one-out. He doesn't look at the others and automatically see pairs he doesn't fit into - he just sees himself first, alone, and then he sees the others, together.He doesn't feel like an outlier usually, but sometimes, sometimes he does, and when it hits him, it hurts.





	my dream is very small, it's just to sit with you

**Author's Note:**

> this is really self-indulgent and I'm going to be honest and say I haven't even read over this. don't know if there is spelling mistakes or if this even makes sense, I just wanted to get this out there because hey, at least it's something
> 
> and who doesn't love some good self-indulgent stuff once in a while, right? sometimes it's nice, like a home-cooked meal of cliches and happy endings
> 
> anyway, I hope it's good - if it's stupid, sorry, just let me down easy, ok? let me know what you think, or just send a heart or smth, it always cheers me up ♡ ♡ ♡

Kihyun never thinks of himself as the odd-one-out. He doesn't look at the others and automatically see pairs he doesn't fit into - he just sees himself first, alone, and then he sees the others, together.

He doesn't usually feel like an outlier. Often he finds himself falling into a group of three, tagging along with Changkyun and Minhyuk for good company, or with Hyunwoo and Hoseok when he needs quiet. 

And then, then there will come times when it becomes obvious to him that there is seven. That it isn't even, and that it will always come down to the same conclusion. Times during tours, when they stop at their hotel and the manager will hand out the keys for the three double-bed rooms and then one single. He will ask them to pair off for their rooms, and more often than ever Kihyun ends up being the last picked. 

Before, he used to glance around first, trying to make eye-contact with another member and communicate if they wanted to room with him - he'd look around, only to meet no ones gazes as they were already linked up with a partner. Kihyun would try not to think much on it, but there was always a sting when he would catch the manager's sympathetic smile as he handed him his key.

Lately, Kihyun doesn't bother looking around anymore; he already knows how the groups are going to go, already knows that Minhyuk has his arm looped around Hyunwoo, that Jooheon and Changkyun had already been talking about who gets to shower first in the van, and that Hyungwon and Hoseok didn't need to say anything to confirm they were rooming together.

That always left Kihyun. Not on purpose, he doesn't believe they do it on purpose - single him out like that, that's just how it ends up being. They turn to the one first on their mind, and it just happens that Kihyun is last.

Nowadays, it becomes the assumption that Kihyun will take the single room. It's his assumption too - when he automatically reaches for single room key that the manager is already handing over to him.

He didn't want to look desperate, reaching out for someone when no one wanted him to.

Kihyun always worried about how he presented himself, always wants to maintain his image and he doesn't know if he could live with himself if he ended up being rejected by one of them, if they saw him like that.

He likes to believe that he has no problem with it. He continues to tell himself that it's just the way it always turns out to be, not on purpose - no, they wouldn't single him out on purpose if they thought it hurt him. 

If they knew it upset him, they would try to fix it. However, that means breaking apart another pair to try and break the pattern. That means taking someone else and making them room with Kihyun because of  _pity_. And even if Kihyun might feel better going to sleep that night in a room with someone else, he knows that he wouldn't be able to ignore the fact that the other member didn't pick him first.

Kihyun's thought about it. He's thought about asking one of the other members in the van on the way there if they wanted to room with him, but he can hear their hesitance ringing in his head. He can imagine how they would force themself to say yes, not wanting to make Kihyun feel bad but also upset that they can't be with the person they first thought of. 

He didn't ask anyone anymore because he doesn't want to look pathetic.

Kihyun likes to convince himself that he prefers the single room - the privacy, peace and quiet,not having to fight over the shower with someone else.

But once the clock ticks into the first hour passing, and he's left sitting alone on his bed, _painfully_ aware of how he's the only one in the room, hair wet from his long shower, flipping through channels he has no interest in, phone discarded on the chair across the room - he will start to feel the loneliness. 

The feeling comes slow. When he hears a couple walk by his room door, laughing; when he listens to music but it isn't fun when he can't hear Hyungwon or Minhyuk humming along; or when he starts to miss the dorms because he just misses the white noise of the other members. Kihyun will feel a dead weight settle in his stomach, tugging him down, and he will start to feel sick.

It doesn't hurt, not like the actual rejection would - but overthinking drains him.

Now, here, sitting cross-legged in the middle of his hotel bed, phone cupped in his hands, as he stares down at the new picture Minhyuk updated to his Instagram a second ago, showing him and three of the others eating out together at the cafe in the lobby - that feeling of loneliness hits harder.

He swallows. When he blinks, he recognizes the sting in his eyes and wonders how long he had been staring down at the picture, unblinking, soaking it in. In it, the four members were wearing their masks, but Minhyuk and Hyungwon had theirs pulled down below their chin to eat. Hoseok and Hyunwoo are there too, sitting across from them, leaning into the frame - Hoseok is flashing a peace sign, and Minhyuk with a finger heart pushed close to the screen.

He doesn't see Jooheon or Changkyun, but he wonders if they were there too. Because in the background of the picture, there looked to be just enough room for the two of them to sit on the end. Maybe they were getting their food, or something to drink, maybe they were on their way because Minhyuk texted them to come.

Kihyun brings down his notifications bar. He isn't surprised to see none there.

He blinks away the sting, and a sudden tear hits the screen. More come, trickling down his cheekbones, a slow trail that tickles along his nose. Kihyun sniffs, and his thumb swipes away the tear as he clicks his phone back off and places it face down on the covers.

He rubs away the tears in his waterline, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. His muscles ache with excretion, but he pushes himself anyway.

The room feels deathly silent as he stands. Head swimming, black swirls clouding his vision, darkening the edges. There's a faint ringing in his ear that drowns out the sounds of the show playing in the background. Kihyun has half the mind to look for aspirin, but he ignores it.

Kihyun's tired feet lead him back to the bathroom, where the mirror was still blurred with steam from his shower and the room still heavy with heat.

He looks into the mirror, and for a minute, he feels nothing. Staring at his faint reflection, clear stripes among foggy blur, but without making a connection. Staring at his eyes, lidded and unblinking - he doesn't feel a thing. At his side, his fingers twitch with an itch to reach up and poke at the puffy bags under his eyes. Bags that he'll blame on too much sodium, too much food, but he'll refuse to admit it's because he hasn't been sleeping. His hand does come up, at it's own accord, but instead it smears over the mirror, clearing a oval in the center. Now, his throat jumps, as he sees himself: thin, a small t-shirt now far too big, empty eyes and a reddened nose.

He saw himself as how others saw him, and his heart twisted.

Kihyun's fingers ghosted over his cheeks, feeling the wet from the tears that continued to steadily drip from the corners of his eyes. He sniffed, and used the moisture to rub into his skin, over the purple and blue. He feels the dips in his skin, old acne scars and laugh lines. It only distorts the image in front of him further, and Kihyun wonders if others think he looks as disgusting as he thinks he does.

The minutes pass, and Kihyun still doesn't know why he came in here. Sometimes he thinks he does this just to make himself feel worse, to remind him who he is. It was an empty attempt at finding something to distract him, an excuse to feel busy. It didn't make him feel any better - and if anything, it only stretched the feeling of emptiness. He could check every room in the hotel, he could go into the lobby, into the street, but he was never going to find what he was looking for. And in the end, he would always end up back here. Alone.

Kihyun swallows, and turns away.

He wanders back towards his bed, his hand reaching out and flipped the light off without his input. The room envelops into a comfortable darkness, and he's pleasantly rewarded to find that it soothes the ache in his skull. The wispy, pale glare from the television casted over the hotel carpet - changing to yellows, to greens, then blues and purples. It reminded him of the dorm; when his thoughts would keep him up past midnight, and he would escape into the living room, lazing on the couch and watching re-runs until the sun rose.

Kihyun watched the lights switch, hearing the sounds from the show again. Laughter, talking. He can hear the smiles in the voices that come through the television. Distantly, he wonders what was so funny. Suddenly he feels left-out again.

He tears his attention away, ignoring the twist in his chest, as he forcefully drags himself back to his bed, where he began.

There, he noticed the faint buzzing coming from his phone, still down on the blankets. He wouldn't admit to the way his heart stuttered, just for a second, a hopeful spark that grew bigger as he reached for it. He picked it up, and the phone almost slipped past his fingers from how weak his grip felt.  _Drained_.

The screen blinked with a message from Changkyun. The maknae was asking if he had any toothpaste.

It was a simple message, not a solution, not an apology (not that Kihyun was asking for one), but Kihyun just felt content to know that the youngest remembered him. The boy needed something, and his first thought was to ask Kihyun, since the older members always remember to bring spare amounts just in case.

Mind wandering, Kihyun pictured that if Changkyun was asking about the toothpaste now, that the boy must have been looking for it through his bags, which means that he is in his hotel room too. Which means that the others didn't all go out together and leave him behind.

It felt like a selfish thing to be so happy about, but Kihyun couldn't help but be glad that he wasn't the only one left alone.

He doesn't know how long he was staring down at the message, until another came a second later -  _"heonie and i forgot ours, pls hyung"_

Kihyun smiled. He thought about scolding him, a whiny  _"I reminded you before we left"_ \- or maybe he would just say no, just because he knows Changkyun would beg anyways.

But Kihyun wasn't in the mood to nag. He wanted some company, just wanted to hear someone else's voice next to him, even if it was just for a second to pass off a tube of toothpaste to his maknae. His fingers hovered over the letters on screen, pacing his reply with every second -  _"I have some"_

A second later,  _"cool, me and heonie will come get it"_

Kihyun put his phone back down, ignoring the nervous anticipation stirring in his gut. He didn't know why he was nervous, it was just Changkyun and Jooheon. They were just coming to get some toothpaste, and then they would leave. They could have asked anybody.

Suddenly, a different picture crossed Kihyun's mind; that maybe Kihyun wasn't Changkyun's first choice, that the maknae must have asked the four others but when they said they weren't there, Kihyun opened up as the last option. He wasn't first - there must have been more of a reason for why Changkyun asked him.

He tried to brush it off, the new thought that hurt his head, tugged on his exhausted heartstrings. He could almost see Changkyun's reluctance to ask him, probably worried about being nagged or scolded, maybe he just didn't have the patience to deal with Kihyun. It wasn't unusual for Kihyun to be the one to set off the fuse.

Behind Kihyun's teary eyes, his skull ached; he was too tired to be overthinking like this.

Without knowing how much time had passed, still standing at the edge of the hotel bed, Kihyun violently startled at the knocking on his door. He cleared his throat, and tried to will his racing heart to calm -  _it was only Changkyun, only Jooheon._

He unlocked the door carefully, lazily, before swiftly pulling it open, the comment on his tongue turning into a playful nag, but it died when he heard the two youngest soft chimes of "hey hyung" as they shouldered inside. There was a rustling of plastic bags as they passed, that caught Kihyun's attention.

Kihyun glanced back, confused but with a welcoming feeling blossoming in his chest - he couldn't explain it, but it felt warm, safe, like praise and reassurance.

Door still ajar, he watched as the two of them made themselves at home. Jooheon launching himself onto the bed, a sigh tumbling past his lips, while Changkyun dropped the plastic bags next to the hotel microwave and was began looking through the contents. They were both still wearing their pajamas, pants with loud prints and sweatshirts too big for their frames.

It felt like they were back at the dorm. Kihyun never considered himself one to get homesick, but he never felt more of a longing to be back in their crowded apartment.

"Hyung, close the door, come lay with me." Jooheon called, obnoxiously running his hand up and down the stiff covers. He pouted his lips and batted his eyes when he caught Kihyun's gaze, and Kihyun ignored the fondness that swelled inside him.

Kihyun closed the door, and switched the lock. His hand hesitated on the handle, fingering over the metal as his eyes remained turned into the room, watching Jooheon and Changkyun as the two loitered about.

Changkyun was putting a bowl of ramen into the microwave, and he glanced over to the older as he began punching the numbers in. "Oh, hyung, we brought some ramen and chocolate."

Kihyun's mouth felt dry, chest soaring with something that felt akin to warmth but also sunk like guilt.

He couldn't help but feel like he was burdening them, as though they only came here because they felt bad. They only brought this food because they figured they  _should_ be worried, not because they actually were.

Jooheon had grabbed the remote now, and was flipping through the channels, " _Oh dude_ , Twilight just started, come on." He picked the channel, and immediately the movie came up, a long beginning sequence that gave Changkyun enough time to collect the three ramen bowls he heated and the bags of chocolate he had stuffed into his pocket.

Changkyun handed a bowl to Jooheon, before sitting himself at the end of the bed. He balanced the other two bowls in his hands, as he moved cross-legged.

Kihyun found himself going towards them, feeling a pull as his hand reached out to take the bowl Changkyun held out to him. He took his spot beside Jooheon, setting his bowl in his lap after stretching his legs out.

The movie had started, Korean subtitles flashing across the screen.

Changkyun passed out the chopsticks, and Kihyun noticed the way his hand shook as he took them. 

Changkyun noticed too. "Hey, hyung, are you okay? Your hands are shaking."

Kihyun laughed it off, "I'm fine, just a little tired."

"Have you had enough to eat?" Jooheon asked, blindly reaching his hand out to Changkyun to take his own chopsticks. "What did you have today?"

"It's fine, I had enough."

"Here," Changkyun shoved a hand inside his pocket, pulling out a large pack of M&M's. He tossed it to Kihyun, and it bounced off of his chest and into his lap. Kihyun watched it, his fingers tightening around the chopsticks. "Got these ones for you. Dark chocolate."

They were his favorite flavor. Milk chocolate always felt too sweet, and he didn't like the strange flavors, but he savored dark chocolate. He didn't think anyone noticed that he preferred them, since often he would just opt to not have any sweets at all when dark wasn't there.

"You should eat more, hyung." Jooheon mumbled, as he dug his chopsticks into his noodles.

"I eat enough," Kihyun replied, voice hushing down as he noticed the pair's eyes focused on the screen. He didn't want to bother them, didn't want the impending snap of  _be quiet, kihyun_  he often heard, or a sharp glare in his direction when he wouldn't stop mumbling to himself.

Changkyun moved into a different position, turning onto his side as he draped himself over the bed. His head was laying on Kihyun's knee, and Kihyun ignored the way his heart stuttered at the simple touch.

It was quiet for a few moments, as the three of them watched the screen. Changkyun and Jooheon greedily digging into their bowls, while Kihyun mindlessly stirred his noodles, unable to ignore the guilt he still felt in his gut.

"Weren't-" Kihyun swallowed, twirling the noddles around his chopsticks, "Didn't you need some toothpaste?"

"Huh?" Jooheon mused, glancing over. Kihyun met his gaze, before it broke as they both looked back to the screen. "Oh yeah, that was just an excuse for us to come over."

"But we also need toothpaste," Changkyun reminded. 

"Right, right, but also it was because we were lonely without you."

"Oh, alright," Kihyun mumbled. He felt a small smile tugging at his lips, and he hesitantly brought up a small bite of noodles to his lips, blowing off the steam. The first bite felt comforting, the warmth of the noodles and the indulgence of having salty foods even when he was supposed to be on a diet. The next bites came quickly after, still small, but it was more than nothing.

Too distracted with the noodles, Kihyun didn't hear that his phone was vibrating, until Changkyun was reaching back to hand it to him.

Kihyun quietly thanked him, wiping his hands off on his shirt as he took the phone.

A message from Hyunwoo shown, to Kihyun -  _"Did you get something to eat? We knocked earlier, but you didn't answer. Min said you were in the shower."_

Kihyun felt his breath catch in his throat. For a moment, he felt like it was all his fault - that he felt hurt, depressed for no reason at all. That he made himself believe that they forgot about him, even though they considered him when they thought to knock on the door.

He wondered how delusional he was becoming, how his little hours of sleep were affecting him so much now that he didn't even hear the knocking.

But then, he wonders if they even tried at all - if it was just a half-hearted knock, if they only thought about it last second as they walked by and just tried to make themselves feel less guilty by knocking once or twice. He can imagine that, even if he doesn't want to. 

Kihyun swallowed, _"I was showering earlier, didn't hear you knock"_

_"Are you eating? We went to the cafe downstairs, about to leave, I can pick you up something"_

Even if he wasn't with them, and even if Kihyun still feels hurt that they hadn't tried harder to get his attention before they left, there is comfort in knowing that they weren't trying to hide it. They weren't lying to him, saying that they didn't know or that they assumed he already ate - they were honest, and that made him feel better than anything else.

Kihyun didn't want to be bitter. He didn't want to say no and end the conversation there - he wanted to be selfish, he wanted Hyunwoo to keep replying, he wanted to hear him and he wanted to hear the others. He just wanted them around.

His reply, _"The maknaes brought me ramen and chocolate"_

He could picture Hyunwoo's smile at the message, and the leader's reply came a long second later,  _"We're coming back up, gonna stop by your room to hang out"_

The weight Kihyun felt before replaced itself with a different feeling. It still bit at him, made him feel a little strung-up, but it wasn't guilt anymore, and it wasn't hurt. Anticipation? Worry? It was a step towards feeling better that night, and Kihyun welcomed it, even if he felt he already lost his appetite for his ramen,  _"We're watching that one vampire movie"_

Jooheon shifted and his head fell against Kihyun's shoulder, and the younger's hum of content vibrated through him. Kihyun let his head drop against Jooheon's, fingering the edges of the pack of M&M's. His ramen was still in his lap, warm, with steam coming from the edges. He ate half, which wasn't nearly enough for what he needed, but it was more than what he expected of himself to eat that night - and it was a start, another start.

He tears the corner of the M&M's, and a few colored pieces drop into his palm.

The next reply wasn't from Hyunwoo, but Minhyuk - an enthusiastic set of emojis and hearts,  _" ♡ ♡ ♡ on our way~~  save me a spot next to you, ki~~ ♡ ♡ ♡"_

Kihyun wondered how it turned out that all seven of them were all ending up in his room, with barely enough room for the three let only four more. He could already picture the other four coming in, making themselves comfortable on the floor or trying to fit themselves on the bed. He can hear Hyungwon's whines of turning the tv up higher, or Minhyuk's appreciative whistles when he sees Jacob, and he can feel Hoseok leaning against him to quietly ask if he's had enough to eat, and if he needs him to get anything more for him.

He lets his phone drop back onto the bed, and hides his growing smile with his handful of M&M's.

 


End file.
